


Blessed

by Romennim



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Character Study, Introspection, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 04:54:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/658219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was not an emotional being.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blessed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stormkpr](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=stormkpr).



> Dedicated to [](http://stormkpr.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://stormkpr.livejournal.com/)**stormkpr** : thank you for your work on this, and your patience, really.  
> First fic ever for this fandom and I'm a bit nervous: even if writing Azazel was easier than I first thought, he's still a challenge. I hope I didn't mess up his character :)

I was not an emotional being.

Emotions, in general, rarely ruled my life and my decisions. That fact was a byproduct of how I was raised;  
how I was forced to live alone and hidden in order to survive. I did not have the luxury of experiencing  
emotions. My days revolved around my desire to blow up the world and die trying.

And obviously I never let my emotions rule me during missions. I learned very soon that in Shaw’s eyes  
every emotion could turn into a weakness to exploit.

Hesitation was not something I experienced either. I rarely let myself feel moved by how Shaw made his  
victims suffer. After all, in my world no human was innocent. But children were a different story. It didn’t  
matter if human or mutant, children are children, and to be able to do what Shaw sometimes did, gleefully, to  
little boys and girls, one must not be decent. You couldn’t be possibly even be referred to as a sentient being  
if you did that sort of thing.

Knowing this about Shaw, I couldn't trust myself around him. What else was a man like him capable of?

I didn't want him to know how he affected me, so around him I acted like the soulless being I appear to be.

I didn't count on meeting someone like Janos though.

You can say he disrupted my very ordered life and state of mind as he came into my life like the riptide he's  
named after.

I was lucky with him. He accepted me, wanted to truly know me. Nothing about me deterred him, not my my  
appearance, my inability to trust, or my lack of patience with him.

Janos was a beautiful person and I didn’t think I would ever understand why he wanted me.

But joy was not the only emotion he brought into my life. Fear was a huge presence too. I was afraid of what  
Shaw could do if he found out about our feelings. After all, how can one trust a madman? The less you show  
them, the less they have to use against you.

So we were very careful and if Shaw knew, he never said anything. Frost never told Shaw either. I think she  
kept it a secret because of Janos. She always showed a special consideration for him. She too knew what  
kind of person Shaw was. If Janos ever failed something in Shaw’s eyes, Frost subtly redirected his anger,  
an action which spoke volumes.

All of this didn’t mean that I wasn't relieved when Lehnsherr killed Shaw. The opposite actually. Seeing him  
in the sand, powerless, dead, was one of the most shocking moments of my life, a moment which changed  
my destiny forever. A quick glance at Janos confirmed that he felt the same.

It didn't matter that our 'enemies' surrounded us, that the two most powerful mutants on the planet could hurt  
us at any moment. Shaw was dead.

And then I felt something strange. Seeing two friends, two lovers (because the love was so obvious between  
them) turn against each other because of a difference in opinion.. in that moment, watching those two break  
in front of me, I felt blessed. Blessed in my life, in my choices, that had lead me there, alongside a man I  
loved.

Furthermore, I stood there with no more obstacles on the horizon, and no stupid misunderstandings between  
us. Yes, I was lucky and I was blessed, even if I knew it was not because of any god. Just because of Janos.

I looked at him then. He softly smiled back at me, and I touched his hand. Everything in that moment,  
surrounded by other people's tragedy, was right. And I let myself feel only happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on May 5th, 2012


End file.
